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Welcome to Arka-Tenne-Burn-y

Bye weeks are fickle monsters. A week that should be neutral in theory never quite works that way. The bye week always creates collateral damage. Sometimes the fallout helps your team and sometimes it hurts your team. That’s because college football is dynamic—everything changes from week to week, which is why the BCS will continue to thrive no matter how many playoff games are added at the end of the season. Bye weeks also provide clarity. When the hectic race from fall camp to the beginning of the season to winning or losing games finally reaches a respite, players, coaches, and fans get a chance to reflect on months of preparation, expectations, and execution. Thus, after a week of washing my hands of Arkansas’s dreadful start to 2012 and watching other SEC teams more closely, I had an epiphany: Arka-Tenne-Burn-y.

What is Arka-Tenne-Burn-y? Exactly what it sounds like: the shared state of four programs—Arkansas, Tennessee, Auburn, and Kentucky—that aren’t as different as their fans would like to think. All four teams are set to fire their respective coaches, John L. Smith, Derek Dooley, Gene Chizik, and Joke Phillips, and all four athletic directors face the most important hires in each program’s history. Why? Because with the inclusion of Texas A&M (especially) and Missouri, the revival of Florida and South Carolina, the emergence of Mississippi State and Ole Miss, and the continued dominance of Alabama, LSU, and Georgia (to a lesser degree), there’s only so much room left in the middle of the pack. Forget the top.

Before you freak out about your team’s inclusion, let’s quickly look at each program’s last four and a half years: Arkansas: 36-21 overall, 18-17 SEC, 2-1 in bowl games, 1 BCS bowl; Tennessee: 33-30 overall, 11-24 SEC, 1-2 in bowl games; Auburn: 36-23 overall, 17-20 SEC, 3-0 bowl games, 1 BCS bowl (BCS Championship Game); Kentucky: 26-33 overall, 9-28 SEC, 1-2 bowl games.

There’s a reason Kentucky only gets one letter of Arka-Tenne-Burn-y; however, if you look at those numbers, you realize Kentucky football isn’t as behind as it seems, at least judging solely by its performance on the field. After all, Tennessee has only two more SEC wins than Kentucky and has the same record in bowl games in the last four and a half years. That Dool-Aid tastes like John L. Smith’s lukewarm piss these days.

(Note: This is why it’s laughable to me as an Arkansas fan when someone mentions Razorback fans as unreasonable? Arkansas fans are more unreasonable than Tennessee or Auburn fans? Outside of Auburn, who all SEC fans agree lucked into its one great season, Arkansas clearly has been the most successful of these programs in recent history. Clay Travis from OutKick the Coverage may say Arkansas has one of the dumbest fan bases, but at least our fraternities don’t buttchug [if you don't know about buttchugging, I don't know what to tell you] and our interim coach doesn’t buttcoach.)

(Via The Daily Beacon)

How do the fans of these four programs propose to ensure future success? Naturally, they all seemingly have the same plan: hire Bobby Petrino or Jon Gruden. Let’s not rehash this again, but Arkansas fired Petrino in April and some Razorback fans want to see him back. Moreover, immediately after Jeff Long terminated Bobby’s contract, fans at Tennessee, Auburn, and Kentucky started clamoring for Petrino. Irony: After four years of Tennessee and Auburn fans saying Arkansas would never win the SEC West with Petrino, both school’s fans think he’s the answer for them. However, I’m not convinced either administration can talk itself into hiring Petrino after his latest mess. In that case, Kentucky could be a surprise winner of Arka-Tenne-Burn-y.

Passing on Bobby Petrino? Don’t worry; Jon Gruden must be dying to coach in the SEC. Arkansas fans think Gruden’s good buddy John Daly can work some magic on him; Clay Travis has Tennessee fans thinking if Dooley gets fired after South Carolina that must mean Gruden is storming Knoxville (Clay Travis has gone as far as making a bet with Erin Andrews that has him shaving his head if Gruden isn't the new Volunteer coach); and Auburn fans have a “Jon Gruden Next Auburn Football Coach” Facebook page.

Welcome to Arka-Tenne-Burn-y, where hope springs eternal, Petrino rides again, Chucky hits the local Hooters, and all teams are equally desperate.

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