SbtB Part II: Unresolved Storylines

My red-headed friend—his name’s Justin, by the way (he told me he was going to dye his hair after he read my blog), so let’s call him by name instead—isn’t giving up on his argument that the College Years is actually better than the original Saved by the Bell. (If you have Netflix, you also know the show had another previous incarnation, Good Morning, Mrs. Bliss—there’s no defending this show.) After defending his position to his wife—if a man can defend himself to his wife, I ain’t got a shot—he reiterated his claim to me. I have to admit that he has a point: the unresolved storylines in the original SbtB are maddening. With Justin’s help, I’ve decided to examine all the unresolved storylines that we could remember and try to make sense of them.

Jessie Spano was a drug addict… for one day.

As Justin pointed out, I think it is impossible to be hooked on prescription or illegal drugs for just one day. Of course, like my knowledge of gambling and wild animals, my knowledge of drugs isn't exactly expert opinion—I could be wrong. Surely there are repercussions for overdosing, right? Jessie looks like a drug addict to me—my dislike for Ms. Spano is obvious, I know.

Zack falls in love with a homeless girl at the mall; the girl and her like-wise homeless father move in with Zack during Christmas while Zack’s dad is away on a business trip… and then Zack’s dad apparently kicks them out when he gets home because we never hear about them again.

Sure, it was a Christmas episode, so the writers were already at a disadvantage—why do writers do holiday episodes?!—trying to spread good cheer with a cheesy feel-good story. I’ve never understood how Zack falls in love with these girls so quickly, and this girl wasn’t even attractive. I hate to say that about the homeless girl, but come on, Peter Engel: Zack likes this unattractive AND homeless girl more than Kelly Kapowski? Can’t buy it. Not for a second.

Slater’s former girlfriend Jennifer moves to Bayside, dates Zack, destroys Slater and Zack’s friendship, breaks up Slater and Jessie, dates Slater, decides Slater and she are better as friends, repairs all the relationships she has destroyed, and decides to date Zack again (for real this time apparently)… and moves to another new school the next day.

A.C. Slater makes a mistake when he lets Jennifer get away and willingly returns to Jessie—maybe Slater started taking Jessie’s pills…or Jessie is drugging Slater, which would explain why their relationship lasts as long as it does. Never date a woman you have to call Mama. I know people move, but the writers couldn’t write a single line in the next episode about how Jennifer had to move again because her dad (I think he was in the Army like Slater’s dad) unexpectedly got transferred to Russia or something? Maybe he worked with 007.

Jessie’s step-brother moves to Bayside from New York, causes a ton of problems (especially with Zack), contemplates moving back to New York, but is finally convinced by Lisa to stay at Bayside because she has feelings for him… and Lisa promptly dumps him and he moves back to New York with a broken heart.

The writers spend an entire episode introducing us to a new character, making us hate him, making us fall in love with him, getting us completely emotionally involved with a main character’s family member, and even giving him a love interest in the show…and then discard him as if he never existed. Did Jessie’s dad divorce the “aerobics bimbo?” I need more answers than this, SbtB writers—I’m not a child anymore.

I’m pretty sure I could do this the rest of the day, but for your sake, dear reader, I’ll summarize some of Justin’s other points more succinctly. At some point, one of the female characters has an eating disorder—like being addicted to drugs, having an eating disorder isn’t a one-day affair. The writers actually introduce a new character, Tori Scott, halfway through the final season and shamelessly only mention her to fill time—I don’t even think she is at graduation. Finally, my favorite, Justin wants to know why Zack Attack—Zack’s band that includes all of the gang except Kelly (yes, Kelly is in the picture, but Zack also dreams about his Zack Attack band; his dream band includes Kelly, I believe...)—never won a Grammy. Personally, I always thought Zack’s solo career with his hit single “Cool School” was more deserving.

Justin and I may still disagree on some things, but I think we both agree that there will never be another group quite like Preppy, A.C., Screech, Kelly, Lisa, Jessie—and all of those other characters that only lasted an episode—again.