Skip to main content

It's Just a Little Puppy



There are a lot of things I said I wouldn't do in my life that I've done. I said that I wouldn't quit exercising regularly after I stopped playing sports, that I wouldn't be a hack writer all of my life, and that I wouldn't be working a part-time job at 27 with two useless college degrees. Luckily these are things I can still change.

This weekend I will do something that I can’t undo. When my wife and I go home for Christmas, we will choose one of these four puppies:



Having a dog isn't that big of a deal. Having a dog live IN my house is a big deal for me. You see, I like a neat and clean house. Being married and cleaning up after two people has required enough adjusting. A puppy living inside will challenge the very core of inner neat freak. I’m also allergic to a plethora of things. Dogs? I have no idea—I will find out shortly.

With that in mind, here’s a list of things concerning my dog that I will NOT DO:

1. Let it live in my house. 

1. Buy it clothes. Admittedly my wife and I did look at some doggie (is this a politically correct term for dogs?) clothes the other day, but we realized how crazy we were acting. Plus, I’d want to buy it a polo and my wife doesn't like polo shirts on girls.

2. Let it sleep on my bed. No way, no how. My bedroom is my haven. I like to keep bedroom free of any kind of clutter or mess. Unlike my wife, I don’t do homework or anything that stresses me in my room. My bed is my ultimate place of comfort and rest. Sorry, puppy, you’ll have your own bed, which won’t be in my room either.

3. Give it my last name. We actually have a name picked out, but I’m keeping it a secret for now. Anyway, the puppy can have a first name, three middle names, and 10 nicknames for all I care, but we aren't calling it Puppy Cooper. Why? I don’t know. Just…because.

4. Let it in family photos. This shouldn't be difficult since I haven’t been in a family photo since this:



(Admire that mustache. It’s awesome. Why don’t people grow mustaches anymore? When did mustaches go out of style? I think I may grow one after Christmas for the new, productive me in 2013.)

Oh, and the puppy can’t be in my family photos because it will make me even less cute. And I don’t need any help being less cute. Of course, maybe it could help distract people with its cuteness from my ugliness…hmm (this list won’t last long at this rate).

5. Write a blog about my dog or post an obscene number of photos of it on Facebook or Instagram. I mean, who does that?

Don't worry: I'll be a great puppy father.

6. Refer to the puppy as my child.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Love this Jacob. This lady told her daughter Kristie "I have lived fifty years without a dog in my house and I'm not going to start that now." Guess this helps me relate to your above entry. See you guys in a few days, would love to see the puppy and hear what you name it.


December 21, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Anonymous said…
It seems I did something wrong, certainly not the first time.

December 21, 2012 at 12:16 AM

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Value Place: An Extended Stay Horror Story

(This is a story I should have shared long before now. Make sure you have some time to spare—this one is lengthy.) Two years ago my wife was accepted into a summer internship program at Arkansas Children’s Hospital. We were still living in Arkadelphia at the time, but my wife didn't want to spend the summer making the hour drive, fighting traffic to and from Little Rock. So we decided to live in Little Rock for the summer. However, in case you don’t know, it’s difficult finding a place to live for two months. Most rentals don’t have two-month leases. If they do, the price is either ridiculous or it’s a place you do not want to live. After looking for a couple of weeks, my wife found an extended stay hotel—Value Place—advertising for like $500 a month on Craigslist. A number of things. I didn't know anything about extended stay hotels—oh how I want to be naive about extended stays again, but more on this topic shortly. All I knew was that a...
1 comment
Read more

The Paragould Daily Press: Is Paid Content the Beginning of the End?

Every few days I read the Paragould Daily Press , my hometown newspaper—a newspaper I worked at as a sports writer for four years—online. I’m never looking for anything in particular. It’s just part of my routine: every morning I skim national, state, and local news for a few minutes. However, when I visited the PDP today, a few things were different. First, the website had been redesigned (and not in a good way—it takes talent to clutter what little content the PDP creates). More importantly, you now have to buy a subscription to read the paper online. This isn’t about having to pay for content (I’m sure the PDP has heard plenty of negative feedback from its online readers already); I understand what the PDP is attempting to accomplish with this move. The move to paid content was inevitable (I remember sitting in a staff meeting and discussing this very matter over five years ago when I was writing for the newspaper), as it will be and has been for much larger publications. Ne...
Post a Comment
Read more