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It's Just a Little Puppy



There are a lot of things I said I wouldn't do in my life that I've done. I said that I wouldn't quit exercising regularly after I stopped playing sports, that I wouldn't be a hack writer all of my life, and that I wouldn't be working a part-time job at 27 with two useless college degrees. Luckily these are things I can still change.

This weekend I will do something that I can’t undo. When my wife and I go home for Christmas, we will choose one of these four puppies:



Having a dog isn't that big of a deal. Having a dog live IN my house is a big deal for me. You see, I like a neat and clean house. Being married and cleaning up after two people has required enough adjusting. A puppy living inside will challenge the very core of inner neat freak. I’m also allergic to a plethora of things. Dogs? I have no idea—I will find out shortly.

With that in mind, here’s a list of things concerning my dog that I will NOT DO:

1. Let it live in my house. 

1. Buy it clothes. Admittedly my wife and I did look at some doggie (is this a politically correct term for dogs?) clothes the other day, but we realized how crazy we were acting. Plus, I’d want to buy it a polo and my wife doesn't like polo shirts on girls.

2. Let it sleep on my bed. No way, no how. My bedroom is my haven. I like to keep bedroom free of any kind of clutter or mess. Unlike my wife, I don’t do homework or anything that stresses me in my room. My bed is my ultimate place of comfort and rest. Sorry, puppy, you’ll have your own bed, which won’t be in my room either.

3. Give it my last name. We actually have a name picked out, but I’m keeping it a secret for now. Anyway, the puppy can have a first name, three middle names, and 10 nicknames for all I care, but we aren't calling it Puppy Cooper. Why? I don’t know. Just…because.

4. Let it in family photos. This shouldn't be difficult since I haven’t been in a family photo since this:



(Admire that mustache. It’s awesome. Why don’t people grow mustaches anymore? When did mustaches go out of style? I think I may grow one after Christmas for the new, productive me in 2013.)

Oh, and the puppy can’t be in my family photos because it will make me even less cute. And I don’t need any help being less cute. Of course, maybe it could help distract people with its cuteness from my ugliness…hmm (this list won’t last long at this rate).

5. Write a blog about my dog or post an obscene number of photos of it on Facebook or Instagram. I mean, who does that?

Don't worry: I'll be a great puppy father.

6. Refer to the puppy as my child.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Love this Jacob. This lady told her daughter Kristie "I have lived fifty years without a dog in my house and I'm not going to start that now." Guess this helps me relate to your above entry. See you guys in a few days, would love to see the puppy and hear what you name it.


December 21, 2012 at 12:15 AM
Anonymous said…
It seems I did something wrong, certainly not the first time.

December 21, 2012 at 12:16 AM

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